Alrighty, so I spent the weekend with A and at first I felt really guilty, but I tried to push it to the back of my mind so I wouldn't act suspicious. The thing of it is, that I can't get Lawyer Guy out of my mind. I keep thinking about how I felt in his arms and how new and exciting it was. I don't know if I'm ready to get married. I'm scared. I still didn't delete his number and I told him on Friday that I would call him today. What kind of a person am I? How can I have a fiance and still want some stranger so badly despite my guilt? Any feedback?

Last night, Christine, Marissa, and myself went to Mirage. A club in L.I. for happy hour. We were dressed nice, but tasteful. Some of the girls there were half naked. So were having a couple of drinks and we head out to the dance floor and start dancing and this really hot Lawyer Guy comes up to us and offers to buy us a drink. We say OK and we head to the bar and were all talking and flirting, because Lawyer Guy is really funny, hot, and tall. But he's kinda into me and I'm drunk and flirting a little too much. So 3 beers, 1 shot, and 2 dances later, we're all over each other and as I'm wrapped up in Lawyer Guy's arms I know it's wrong, but I kiss him. How could I do something so horrendous? We even exchanged numbers and he sent me 2 text messages telling me how sexy he thinks I am. And I know it's really wrong, but I felt a connection to him. I haven't returned his messages, but I haven't deleted his number from my phone. I am a horrible person! LG knew I was in a relationship, but I don't think he really cared. I wish I could go back and redo last night all over again. Christine understands, but she's the only person I'm telling. Now I'm scared A is going to find out. I can't believe this is what I needed to realize how good I have it. What kind of a person does this? And the worst thing is, I want Lawyer Guy to want me, how fucked up is that? I feel disgusted with myself. A is such a great guy and it kills me to think that I could hurt someone who loves me so much like this. I just pray that this whole mess disappears and he never finds out. I'll post more when I'm able to wrap my mind around this a little better.

..."And I'm never gonna tell you all the things I need to tell you, but I know I gotta give it a try"

Sometimes, it just needs to be said.

So saturday A and I went to Christine and Allen's Halloween party in Queens. Their friends Larry and Marissa (who we've met before) and Allen's sister Lydia and her boyfriend Sam. Larry and Marissa have been dating for like 7 years. They live together, but he doesn't want to get married. A went as Michael Meyers and he was really scary, Micheal Meyers freaks me out. I went as a sexy cowgirl. I wore my slouchy boots (see earlier post), with a jean skirt, pink tank top with a white button down shirt tied up, a big western belt, and a pink, fuzzy cowboy hat. So cute.

The party was really fun. We drank a lot and the food was really good. We sang kareoke and played cherades and just bull shitted. We stayed until 1 am. I spoke to Christine today and she told me that after we left Marissa started guzzling vodka and got really trashed out and she pulled Christine and Lydia into the bedroom and told them that she slept with another guy and couldn't stop thinking about him. I'm interested in why all of a sudden a lot of my female friends and acquantiances are cheating, but that's a topic for another post. Then she goes into the bathroom and throws up for an hour all over the floor, toilet, tub, and Christine's expensive show towels. I hate sloppy drunks. I mean we all have our limits, know them, and stick to it. We're not 16 years old anymore, if your gonna get diarrhea of the mouth and start spilling your deepest secrets to people, you've probably had one too many. Anyway, us girls are going to Mirage on Friday for drinks and dancing, so maybe I'll have some more drama for you then.

Last night A and I had a really good night. We went for breakfast, took the dog for a nice long walk in the park, had dinner, carved a jack-o-lantern, drank hot apple cider, and watched our Sunday shows. It was a really great weekend. I'll check you guys later.

So last night A and I went to the haunted firehouse in Long Island. It was really good, the firemen always do a great job of setting up and it's super scary. But I'm weird again. There were tons of hot guys there, working and waiting in line and, not to be conceited, I'm attractive and I usually get a lot of attention from men (which is not always a good thing), but last night I didn't even want A to touch me or hold me which is strange. I liked the looks I was getting and I don't know. In the beginning there was tons of fire works, but now it's like the zsa zsa zu is fading. I'm not as attracted to him as I was, but I do love him very much and I would never, and have never, strayed. But my emotions are on like a rollar coaster because this morning he had to go and help his father with something and I was upset to see him go. I can't wrap my mind around these feelings.