He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I tried to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right, it just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage that a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight, hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know...
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waitin' for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long,
So long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster?

He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

Kelly Clarkson

So I'm jumping on the "truths" bandwagon. I think that it's a great idea to put ourselves out there. I'm a little apprehensive because I'm afraid of being judged, but I need to get some things out. Just to warn you, I'm a big, breathing contradiction. So...here goes...

1. I feel lonely a lot of the times.

2. I don't have all that many close friends.

3. I'm very insecure about the way I look, I'm always comparing myself to other people and I just don't measure up.

4. I go to extremes. My highs are intoxicatingly high and my lows are bleak and heartbreaking. There's never a happy medium with me.

5. I have probably spent close to ten thousand dollars in shoes in the past 3 years.

6. At the same time, I am thrilled and terrified to get married.

7. I really don't know if I want to have children.

8. I let a close friendship die without so much as a fight.

9. I'm fiercly loyal to my family.

10. I'm very non-judgemental. While people may make bad choices, I can't judge them until I've walked at least a mile or two in their shoes.

11. I'm both awed and frightened by the power my career gives me to touch tomorrow. Sometimes I look at my students and I wonder how my actions and word will affect their future.

12. I have a bad temper.

13. I refuse to eat any sort of pasta sauce from out of a jar because I know that I can make it from scratch and it will taste a million times better.

14. I love attention from men.

15. I constantly need to feel validated.

16. I'm paranoid about losing my figure or my looks because deep down I feel that there all I have to offer.

17. I'm really scared of birds. I think that they are going to peck my eyes out or something.

18. I always feel that people are judging me.

19. I love living in NYC and I never want to leave.

20. I think too much and obsess about everything. Sometimes the sound of my own thoughts is annoying.

21. I smoke in secret.

22. I love to cook.

23. I believe in God and I hope that he can forgive me for all the things that I've done to hurt other people.

24. I hate to be alone.

25. I'm very conflicted within myself; there is no peace in my mind.

So that's me, well at least part of me. If I get up the courage I'll post some more.

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines."

Sometimes you just can't take life so seriously. Hope all of you are well.

So this is the second day that I've been apart from "A" and I really miss him. I know that I need time to clear my head and figure things out, but it's just weird not to call him when I get out of work. We spoke last night before we went to bed.

What is wrong with me? I feel like two different people.

One part of me thinks that I'm being an ass. "A" is an amazing man who loves me so much. He's hard working, honest, and loyal. He's my best friend and I love him deeply. All he wants out of life is a house and family to fill it with.

The other part of me thinks that I'm very young to be married. That I don't know if I want kids or if I would even be a good wife or mother.

I'm scared, but my friend Christine is giving me the number to her therapist, so hopefully she can help me.

This duality within myself is not only exhausting, but I'm starting to really annoy myself with this constant obsessing.

I've been thinking about family lately and if I would ever want to start my own. I mean, I love babies as much as the next person, but the thought of having one of my own, just leaves me with this tight, panicked feeling in my chest. I don't have that deep desire for a child. My biological clock is not ticking (and I grew up in Marisa Tomei's neighborhood). I don't know if it's just the fact that I'm 23 and still not even close to that frame of mind or if I'm just one of the ones who don't want babies.

I had a long talk with "A" about it last night and he was very disturbed by it, naturally. He's 28 and wants children within the next five years. I don't know if I can give that to him. I mean, I might want children in the future, but I can't tell him 100% that I can give him a baby in five years. We decided to take a little time off so that I can clear my head and think about it. It tore me up inside, but we do need space. This is something serious that I really need to think about. I have a lot of other issues I need to work through as well.

My biggest fear is that we call off the wedding and in five years I'm ready and he's moved on and I would have let the most amazing man who treats me great, go. I feel so torn within myself. I can't think of a future without him, but I don't know if I can give him the future that he wants. I feel lost.

For those of you with children, did you just always "know" you wanted them?