My engagement party last night was a success. Thank God! I looked really good, I got my hair, nails, and toes done and I was wearing a brown tweed pencil skirt with matching pumps a beige tank top with a half sweater over it. The food was good, everyone was mingling and talking. Some of the younger people there went out for drinks afterwards and we didn't get home until 5 am. I haven't partied like a rock star in quite a while. So what if I woke up with aching feet and a headache?

So I wasn't completely honest with you, yesterday Lawyer Guy called and I made plans with him for today. The day after my engagement party. Bitch. I know. But I woke up this morning next to A and I knew that I just couldn't do it. Not today. I don't think ever. I snuck upstairs called LG and said I was sick (I don't think he bought it) and then proceeded to hem and haw and regret my decision not to meet this guy. Why am I always doing this to myself? Do I need drama in my life? I just feel like I'm in a very Monday place in my relationship and I wanted the exhiliration of a last fling with a man I am extremely attracted to. How much longer can I fight this?

Oh and by the way, some people on A's side of the family are incredibly cheap. There's also some animosity now between me and his parents. When we got engaged almost a year ago, me, A, and our respective parents all sat down to work out expenses. My father is paying for most of the wedding, his parents are paying for the DJ and honeymoon and we're picking up the rest. We also decided that they would split the engagement party. So everythings booked and 5 DAYS before the party his parents tell him that they don't have the money for the engagement party or the other wedding things they said they would cover. Thank God we had the money in the bank or I don't know what we would have done. How can you tell someone five days before you need to give them the money that you don't have it? Didn't they have an idea 2 weeks ago? That's just not right and A gets all pissed off whenever I say anything about it. I'm really frustrated!

Well today I'm going shopping with Nicole, another second grade teacher. She's really funny, but definiately type A anal, but if it wasn't for her my classroom might fall apart. I need to get an outfit for my engagement party tomorrow. I'm not gonna thing about Lawyer Guy at all the whole day, even though I did talk to him last night when I was out to dinner with Christine. Maybe I can pick up a new soul while I'm at the mall?

Christine has her own issues to deal with, she's cheated on her husband several times, but she really loves him, but she has an infatuation with her best friends brother. She called of the affair, but is having some serious guilt issues. We tried to look at our situations in a humorous light last night, because sometimes you just can't take yourself too seriously even though your situation is as serious as the grave. I hope this weekend goes easy and stress free.

Since reflecting on a post from my good blogging buddy Scratch about the connection and freedoms we feel from being able to be our nakid selves on blogstream. I've decided to just let you in on the ponderings of the black labyrinth I call my mind (This idea was sparked from the blog The Woman Behind Their Mom).

1. I really want to sleep with Lawyer Guy and we've been sending each other sexy text messages. I know it's wrong but I'm desperately looking for justification.

2. I could give two shits less whether or not the color of my wedding flowers are burgandy or beordux.

3. I have kissed 3 girls on 3 seperate occasions.

4. I am very insecure about myself. I always think that I don't fit in or that people talk about me behind my back.

5. I'm not really ready to be married, but there's no way that I can put it off without losing A. Sometimes I think it's all just so surreal and I'm hoping it's just a passing phase.

6. I don't have very many close friends. For some reason, we always lose touch and drift apart.

7. I've been thinking of reasons why I can't see A this Sunday because I want to see Lawyer Guy.

8. I sometimes smoke cigarettes when I'm bored, stressed, or drunk even though I "officially" quit 3 years ago.

9. I had sex in an empty classroom in college with a guy I was dating (it was bad sex, but exciting none the less).

10. I like to be the center of attention.

There it is all out in the open. This is me and there's nothing I can do about it, but a shrink may be in order.

I'm not gonna drag you through my neurosis tonight, even though the angel and devil on my shoulders have stopped bickering and are beginning to mud wrestle. Today at work, I was looking at the bathroom sign out book that the kiddies use when they leave the classroom and on top of todays page was SEX. Oh my God!!! They're 7 years old. I flipped out and I never yell at the kids (it's not very effective). No one would cop to it, so I took away recess from the whole class until someone confesses. When I was 7 I was playing barbies and watching Rainbow Bright, I didn't even know what sex was. Where are these kids innocence? I feel like Holden Caufield in Catcher in the Rye when he see's the word fuck near the museum. It's heartbreaking. These kids have their whole life to be grown ups, why can't they wait. It's so disheartening. As angry as I was, I was more upset at the fact. So far no one has come foward and I'm not sure what to do next.

I called Lawyer Guy (just hold the pitchforks until you hear me out) and we talked for like 30 minutes. He's really sweet and smart. I like him, God why couldn't he be an asshole. He wants to get together on Sunday, the day after my engagement party, and I shocked myself when I said "yes" I am such a disgrace. I feel so guilty about A, but I'm absolutely terrified to get married. I've been with the same guy since I'm 20 years old and I'm just scared. Sometimes when I'm at A's apartment, I can't wait to go home, I don't really look foward to sex anymore, but I still love him and I don't want to hurt him, but I feel like I can't stop myself. That's not true, I don't want to stop myself. I go back and forth. I feel so conflicted. On one hand I feel like an evil tramp who's hurting the best thing that ever happened to her. On the other, I feel like I'm so young and just acting like a normal girl my age would. I know that there is no way to justify my actions, or impending actions, but I keep wanting to and that really scares me. Any words of advice would be appreciated (hold the flaming torches).